A store near my home in Spokane, Washington, sell bags of nice big frozen prawns at a very reasonable price. They're great if you're having a last minute get-together-just pick up a bag, thaw them out, whip together some horseradish and catsup to make cocktail sauce, and you've got a nice hors d'oeuvre. But you ve got to plan ahead, as the thawing instructions are very specific: Thaw in the refrigerator overnight. Do not force-thaw under running water. It turns out that if we attempt to force thaw the frozen shrimp by placing them under running water, it will often create a boundary disturbance— the shrimp will absorb way too much water, and become mushy and gross.
I think humans are a lot like these prawns. We can't be force-thawed. When we're frozen-when we've learned to feel unsafe in connection with others and to avoid such connection-attempts at forcing us to thaw too quickly can lead to peril. Many of us have had clients that we tried to force-thaw, moving too quickly to places the client wasn't yet ready to go. In such situations, it's easy to have relationship ruptures that create obstacles in the therapy, or even to have clients drop out of treatment.
I think the best way for us humans to "thaw" is to place ourselves in an environment that contains the necessary conditions —the causes and conditions that make thawing possible—and then to give it some time. With clients like this, there's no one thing we can say that will lead their emotional brains to conclude, Oh, I can go ahead and feel safe, now. Our clients may be frustrated by this, too (and may benefit from hearing the metaphor), as they may consciously know that they'd benefit from feeling safe in relationships, and may desperately want to do so. They're not choosing to panic at the first sign of doseness. They may not even recognize what is happening. They've learned that doses is dangerous, and their old, emotional brains are trying to protect them. It's not their fault.
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What a beautiful way to see clients.
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